I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
