I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
