You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
