new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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