Say something about gay babies.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize