pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
