Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I cockslap morals
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
