I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
