I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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