White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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