I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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