You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my shit smells like andre
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
