Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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