OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
