The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
