Someone shit on the floor
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
