Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
