drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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