I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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