Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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