Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
