I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize