Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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