I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
3pm strippers are depressing
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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