It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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