I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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