I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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