the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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