I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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