i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
