i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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