dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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