This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
