well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
