I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
