Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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