She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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