Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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