I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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