Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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