He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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