Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
