This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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