i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize