I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
