God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
