bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
