Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
