I'm so fucking centered right now
im drinking this country out of the recession.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
