Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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