I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Boobs are out for the taking
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
