the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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