Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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