the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
