Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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