Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
