if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
