She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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